Jess and Beshara
Grief comes and takes what it wants, when it wants. You have no say. That’s how Jess O’Neill explains trying to make sense of life, nearly eight years after the sudden death of his fiancé Beshara Shiferawe in 2016.
When Beshara unexpectedly died from pneumonia, Jess was left not with just sorrow but also so many questions – the most difficult being why the man he loved so deeply was taken after just four short years together. Troubled by so many aspects of his grief, Jess sought counsel. It was his therapist who delivered a profound gift of insight.
“I think you were put in front of him to give him the best years of his life, in the final years of his life,” she told him. “All of a sudden, it was something that made sense,” Jess shared.
It’s fair and amusing to characterize their relationship as a workout — literally. They first saw each other in an Orlando gym in 2012. Jess, a local television evening news producer, worked out in the mornings and saw the same people every day at the gym until Beshara — “a giant of a man” — walked in and “eclipsed the light in the building.”
“All I remember thinking is that this was the biggest man I’ve ever seen in my life,” Jess said with a laugh. He tried to focus on his workout while stealing the occasional peek at the six-foot, three-inch mass of man. “And every time I looked at him, he was looking at me, but he wasn’t looking at me and smiling.” Their mutual gazing activities continued daily for a week.
A short time later, while hanging out with his friend, Josh, the same big man suddenly walked past the window of a neighborhood bar Jess and his buddy were patronizing. “I was inside, and he (Beshara) was outside,” Jess recalled. “And once he saw me, he wouldn’t stop staring at me. Every time I looked at him, he was staring at me.” Still, they did not speak.
Months later, Jess relocated to Atlanta to begin work as a producer at CNN. Just as he had in Orlando, he found a gym, and for the first time, opted for a Friday night workout instead of his standard morning routine. One fateful evening, as he neared his new gym, Jess was stunned to once again see that same 250-pound man, this time on a nearby StairMaster. This time, Beshara approached Jess, who then quipped, “You know stalking is illegal in both Georgia and Florida.” The bodybuilder responded, “That’s your pickup line? I’m not stalking you, you’re stalking me.” The chemistry was immediate and obvious to both men as Jess retorted, “I don’t stalk; I get stalked. You’re a real piece of work.”
That chance meeting concluded after a brief chat, followed by a joint visit to Kroger and an exchange of phone numbers. “We always said that was our first date.” One year later to the day, Beshara proposed marriage. Jess later learned that at their very first sighting, Beshara had revealed to an Orlando friend that he had just “met the man I’m going to marry.’
Like his physique, Beshara’s charisma was “massive.” It was common for him to be approached for autographs and photos as people mistook him for a celebrity athlete. Jess said they sometimes were treated to basketball courtside seats or free drinks by those smitten with Beshara. “He was just this force.” Despite their polar opposite backgrounds — a North African professional bodybuilder and an Irish Catholic news guy – their relationship was always centered around them together, approaching a level of reclusiveness where Jess became worried that their friends would no longer invite the couple out.
So, together they began planning a friend-centric event – their wedding and another move. In 2015, Jess was named managing editor at WESH, the NBC affiliate in Orlando, bringing the couple back to where they first laid eyes on each other. The move didn’t suit Beshara who missed their life in Atlanta, so the couple concentrated on planning their “big, elaborate” wedding. Meanwhile, Jess had also been selected by the Hearst Corporation’s news team to cover the summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The opportunity for adventure was so great, he bought a ticket for Beshara to join him. “He was so proud of me and so excited.” Their life together was right on track.
“I would come home every day and he’d have this big smile and want a big hug and pull me in. He would smile every time he looked at me.” When asked what made their relationship special, Jess said, “I loved the way he loved me. He just loved me in a way that nobody else has. It was totally unconditional.”
“I’m convinced he let go for me.”
As the couple settled into their new life in Central Florida, tragedy in Orlando grabbed the international attention. On June 12, 2016, the Pulse Nightclub attack occurred shocking the world. Like many members of the area’s gay community, Beshara immediately began checking on friends while Jess and thousands of other journalists began working on non-stop news coverage. Then just one month later, the two were hit with their own personal tragedy.
On July 10, Beshara woke Jess up at 2 a.m. panicked and saying he couldn’t breathe. Jess rushed Beshara to the closest emergency room as his lungs were filling with fluid. For nearly two weeks, his health deteriorated to the point of his having to be intubated and placed in a coma.
Jess spent every day in the ICU with Beshara. Co-workers and friends visited and prayed over their cherished Beshara. After using up all his sick time, Jess returned to the newsroom but began and ended every day at the hospital at Beshara’s bedside. Watching his partner’s health battle, it became clear that Beshara’s recovery would be difficult; Jess would become Beshara’s caregiver. Rio was out of the question. Jess withdrew from the coveted Olympics assignment to care for his fiancé.
On day ten, Beshara remained in his comatose state. Undeterred, Jess continued talking to him including sharing his decision to resign from his Olympics assignment “so I could be there when he woke up. I kissed him on his head, told him I loved him and that I would see him tomorrow.” Jess, emotionally exhausted, went home. One hour later the hospital called and told him to come back immediately.
When he entered Beshara’s room, Jess walked into the horrific scene of the medical team performing CPR on his fiancé. Within minutes of his arrival, Jess had to give the directive to allow Beshara to die. “And so, he was gone. That’s something I’ve really struggled with ever since; to be the one to make that call,” Jess recalled quietly. “I am convinced Beshara let go so I didn’t miss the Olympics opportunity. He was so, so proud of me and was more excited about me getting the assignment than I was. I’m convinced he let go for me.”
While overwhelmed by the support and love he received from friends, Jess said it was a confusing period of managing his own grief while helping comfort others. “I was surrounded by people, but I had friends and coworkers — anchors and reporters — everyone calling me in tears because they all loved this man. They loved me. But I found I had to console them.”
Beshara died on July 22, a week before Jess was originally scheduled to leave for Rio. After taking bereavement time, he realized that he would be returning to the newsroom, but also pondered the Olympics. Fortified by Beshara’s spirit, Jess went to his supervisor and made the assignment request telling her, “I have to do this; I have to do this for him.” She agreed and confirmed his he would be going to Rio, giving Jess the chance to bury himself in grueling 14-hour days that ended with him crying his eyes out every night in his room, only to return to coverage the next day and the next.
Jess protects his memories of love with his Big Box of Beshara’s belongings.
“I just ran from everything.” But, he noted, “Doing a good job there was something I needed to do for him. I worked my tail off and I killed it.” Eventually, he said he just became numb “for the longest time.” Upon returning home and his normal work routine, Jess could not bring himself to make any decisions about Beshara’s belongings. He couldn’t even move a coffee cup Beshara had left on a table. It would be two years before Jess could bring himself to remove Beshara’s clothes from the closet.
Today, Jess lives a new chapter as News Director at KOAT in New Mexico. He praises his staff, his bosses, and his life there. Relocating was emotional. He feared that leaving Orlando meant that memories of his life with Beshara would fade over time. Once again, his therapist offered insight and a suggestion, “Why don’t you take the things that mean the most to you and create a Big Box of Beshara.”
Jess’ life now is predominantly focused on work. He has happily reached a point where after feeling nothing for so long, he is open to the possibility of a new relationship. And he is resolved to the idea that grief will progress at its own pace. Meanwhile, “I have a Big Box of Beshara,” Jess laughed. “From time to time, I go in and just visit with him.”
