The Words
Being at a loss for words is a thing, especially when your spouse has passed away. Notice I use the phrase “passed away,” a soft term for describing someone’s death. New Chapters was inspired by the many unexpected issues that I experienced after losing my husband (another soft term), including how people speak to me. As a former journalist, I pay more attention than most to what and how words are used. And as I continue to write this new chapter of life without Brady – my constant companion for nearly 40 years — what people say to me has greater impact than ever before.
For instance, just a few weeks after Brady’s passing in July 2021, I was in a local store where I ran into one of my most delightful friends. She along with her husband, two other couples as well as Brady and I, often met up for Friday night dinners in the neighborhood where we all lived. These were some of our favorite friend gatherings – great food, wine, jokes and lots and lots of laughs – total joy. We did these impromptu dinners for years. And then we didn’t. One couple divorced, another relocated, and our squad quietly drifted off. That’s why my friend and I were so happy to see each other that day.
“We have to get the gang back together, we just have to get the gang back together,” she gushed. Clearly, she was unaware that Brady had passed. I echoed her remarks about missing our group and all the fun we had together. But when she once again repeated her desire for a reunion, I finally had to tell her about Brady’s passing. It was the first time I had spoken to anyone who wasn’t aware of it.
After I told her, I expected to see a reaction of shock. Instead, she looked downward, became quiet and then looked back up at me and admitted, “Yes, I know. I just didn’t know what to say.” My heart melted. I knew she loved Brady and was wrestling with trying to avoid hurting me along with her own discomfort with the terrible truth of it all.
A Lesson – In one of The Stories on this site, is a conversation I had with journalist Betty Rollin shortly before she passed away last year. She shares her very straightforward thoughts about speaking directly and clearly to widows and how widows should speak to others. She and I did not share the same opinion. It’s okay to feel awkward and even be a bit clumsy addressing the loss of someone’s spouse. My husband passed away (I clearly prefer soft words), just over two years ago and so much of everyday life still feels awkward and out of whack for me, but it’s not a secret that he’s no longer here. Expressing your condolences is easier on the surviving spouse than your struggle to find the perfect way to address the loss. Being straightforward is actually a tiny bit easier on and welcome by the surviving spouse. After all, it’s all done out of love.
